With the holidays coming up, and thankful week going on over at Paperback Dolls, it’s got me thinking. This maybe the bad kind of thinking, considering its about family and I’m not speaking to a good portion of my family but i guess this is what happens when you piss off the writer in the family (or the youngest). As some of you know things in my family are strange, (I’ll start off polite) and it has been since my fathers’ funeral. You would think that the loss of our father would pull us together, but seeing how some of us are only half and step siblings it made the already strained relationships fall apart. So while most people are thankful this season, I’m at a loss, one because my father is gone, physically and my siblings are gone emotionally. As kids my half siblings, the ones from my fathers’ first wife, and I never had a great relationship. I was/am the baby and from our fathers’ second wife, so things were rocky to begin with. Sure all sibs have issues but I rarely saw my sibs so you would think things might be a little cordial between us, but at least with my sister it wasn’t, my middle brother liked at least it seemed like it and my older brother seemed to careless. My step brother and I got/get along, he’s the son of my step mother, and the same age as my middle brother. Both of my middle brothers (step brother & half) have had issues with drugs and thankfully my step brother has been clean and sober for four going on five years, my half brother doesn’t see that he has a problem. That is part of the issue going on but its also has to do with issues from my past that happened when I was a child and was to scared to talk about. At my fathers’ funeral my half brother decided to inform my family of this issues that happened to me, that he was only supposed to tell my father about some years ago. So now after the issue isn’t an issue and the people that were involved know what happened and are working to make my life better, he brings up the past. Half the family thinks I’m crazy, stupid, or out of my mind for forgiving someone that hurt me when I was a child. They don’t get or understand that I could let this person in my life and care about them.

My father was one for giving people, family, second chances and I try to follow in his footsteps, and I think I have for a good part of my life. My half siblings, and other family members, want me to dishonor my father, like they do and not forgive, because they haven’t had 23 years to deal with what happened to me, and because one brother is jealous, of another. His pain and addiction tares our family apart when we should be a complete unit. He has done many things in his life that show he’s selfish and doesn’t care about family but this went above and beyond, it was cruel. Now with Daddy gone and dealing with asses the holidays seem unimportant. I’m not going to be calling the family like I use too, to talk to them because I don’t want to waste energy, though Flyboy won’t like that. He always says treat people the way you want to be treated, but how? How do you suck it up when they treat you like trash, calling and cussing you out because they are grieving but it doesn’t matter if you are. I don’t feel like being thankful for having them in my life, but I know I should. I know this would/is hurting my father, as he rest in peace.

I know some of my thoughts tonight come because my step mother and step brother just left to go back to Cincinnati, and it brings back/up the issues my siblings have created. I tried not to think about them but it’s hard not too with that side of my family around.

Maybe now that family is gone, and Flyboy’s is coming and than my mom, I’ll feel better about the holidays because I won’t deal with as much drama. And that’s always something to be thankful for, even though it only last for a little while. I think/hope next year is happier and healthier for my soul and sanity with my family.

Sorry to be a downer tonight. My thankful article on PBD is more up beat and special, so check it out this week. It will give you hope, that I haven’t lost it yet. 😉 Until tomorrow have a great night and day, and thanks for letting me grip.